Funny Story and New Outlook

Yesterday I received a message on Facebook about that fact that I hadn't updated my blog since August. I thought it was one of my "battle buddy" wives (yes we have those on the spouses side...well at least I decided that's the name for us), but it happened to be one of her friends asking HER about HER blog on a message to multiple people...hahaha. What do I really think? God works in mysterious ways. I have known I needed to update my blog for a while because it's something I promised to do for myself, but hadn't gotten to it. Soooooo here we go.

Things have been difficult to say the least; rough, sucky, awful, excruciating, and down right fucking bad. No one tells you that divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. No one tells you it's like mourning a death. No one tells you that it's a roller coaster....that one day you can feel really good, and the next it feels like your legs have been cut off at the knees and the breath has been knocked out of you. I am here to tell you it is all of these things. Would I trade all of it to be married again as if nothing happened between us? The answer to that is HELL TO THE FUCKING NO! And THAT'S what matters.

It's been hard...and it's been tough, but what I have come to realize is that is all I have been focusing on. I was having dinner with a friend and was asked how things are going and what do I need to talk about. (Mind you I have been asked this over and over, and the answer is always the same....it's hard.) But, as I was starting to speak about the latest developments it was like a lightbulb went off. I saw the light. I keep speaking about all of the bad, and all of the awful because lets just be honest there is A LOT of it, but is that how I want to define my life every time someone asks me how I am doing? I had and have given Anthony so much power even to the extent that to this day (almost a year later) he can still affect my day to day. I refuse to be defined by that. I refuse to allow him to take any more from me. I got out because I respected myself more than I loved him, so why would I choose to focus on the bad. That in itself was the best thing I have ever done for me.

My mom and I have talked about giving ourselves permission. Giving ourselves permission to say no I can't do that, to isolate for a small amount of time, or to say uncle when we just can't do it anymore. I am here to tell you that this is the hardest thing I have had to learn to do. By human nature we try to make everyone else happy, and focus on others needs, but what about our own? It's awkward to be selfish. I have learned to do this in certain parts of my life, but not all. I haven't given myself permission to really love myself...to really focus on the good that has come out of this. I have allowed myself to wallow instead, which is not a healthy permission. So as of 2 days ago I gave myself permission to only focus on the good. It's hard not to slip back into focusing on the bad, but that's what self talk is all about. So please if you see me or if you follow me on Facebook ask me about the good in my day. Hold me accountable. That will be the best gift you could ever give me! So...here was a little good from yesterday....soooooo worth it!

A New Day!

I am here being open and honest. This blog isn't for anyone else but me, but I think to share my experience, to tell it, will help me heal. I have been told I am good at hiding, good at putting on a front. It is my coping mechanism. I am not very emotional and don't talk much of my emotions not because I don't want to or can't its because I won't. If I do I risk the possibility of never being able to stop blubbering, and right now I can't afford that mess.

Today is a new day. For some it is a new day to dream, a new day for endless possibilities, but today is just a new day to force myself to get out of my bed in the morning. In the last few weeks it has taken every ounce of me to wake up, get out of bed, and just get in the shower. When I say every ounce of me I mean down to the last atom my body is made up of.

A few updates...I started this blog as an outlet, but failed to deliver on it, so here I am now. My husband and I went through a legal separation. It was the hardest and best thing I had to do, but today I am stronger than I was back then. I have gained me back, the me I hadn't seen in years. That sounds all fine and good right? It is, but no one prepares you for divorce or separation. No one tells you it's a roller coaster ride, and you better hold on for dear fucking life because it is going to get worse before it ever starts to get better. We have all seen this saying to some degree or another, "God never gives you more than you can handle, so God must think I'm a bad ass." Well I don't want to be badass. Right now I just want a break. I want peace in all of this. I know it's coming, but it's just not here yet. I have my good days. Some really good days, but in the past few weeks they have been bad. I have no idea why. I wish I could tell people what I need to get out of it. Wish I could tell them how to help me, but the answer is something I don't have.

The reason I decided to do this again was because as of late I have been innately aware of my surroundings. Innately aware of God, and where he is trying to lead me. Yesterday my mom, who has been my saving grace in all of this and who has been doing anything and everything to help me get through this at the expense of sleep, her emotions, worry, and love, told me about a girl she works with. She said this woman and I both had to be married to the same man. This woman has been to hell and back, and for some reason continues to ask about me. Well yesterday my mom told me this woman she works with is expecting my call...that she would love to talk whenever and for however long. You see it takes a lot for me to talk to anyone...again because that would mean that I have to tap into my emotions and it can get exhausting, so I told my mom okay with the thought that maybe I will call her and maybe I won't. Then about an hour later one of my life long friends who had also gone through something similar posted that life was finally. "Crazy Good." I thought man I can't wait until I feel like that again, and God was tapping on my brain you need to have a conversation with her. Finally, yesterday I had to meet with a networking partner and we sat down for lunch with the intent of talking business, but somehow the conversation led down a personal path and I discovered she too had been through what I have. What I discovered though was I finally realized that I don't have to go into deep past history and explain my entire life story to get what I needed from her: compassion, empathy, and most importantly complete understanding. I finally said, "Okay God...I get it...I need to talk to people. That is what you're trying to tell me so blatantly...I'll obey."

So today is a new day. A day where I choose to share. A day where I choose to continue to get out of bed even though it's the hardest thing I do daily. A day where I ask for a ton of prayers, and a day where I ask you to allow me to share.

Broken

Today I feel incredibly broken. Broken and alone, which is fairly difficult when you think of the definition of alone. I am surrounded by my kids and my husband, but I feel so alone. It's hard to find another person in my shoes, and I thank and appreciate those who have been there for me, but it's not the same. I am the wife of an Iraq veteran, a veteran who is suffering from PTSD, and we are in our early 30's. Sounds like I should have a ton of people to find who are in the same boat as me, but here is where it gets complicated. The road that my husband and I have been on in the last 6 years has been an incredibly bumpy one. In the words of one therapist we saw, "We've been through more in 6 years, than most married couples go through in 50 years, and even then they might not ever experience what you have."

You see, I decided to start this blog because I felt like I have no other outlet. I would call a girlfriend, or my mom, or sister, but I don't want to explain to them everything that is going on because it's just going to open that wound and I'm going to end up crying for hours, and to be honest I am just TOO DAMN TIRED to do that! I started this blog almost 4 years after my husband and I hit our "first" rock bottom. He was home from Iraq for about 2 years...our 9 month old when he came home was now 3, and I was pregnant with our 2nd. I came home one day and found a Facebook page opened on our computer that I didn't recognize. To make a LONG story short I found out he cheated on me with 2 other women. I thought to myself I do not know this man! I waited for this man for 15 months for him to do THIS to ME!!! I am pregnant with our 2nd kid! How could he?

Like most wives do when their spouses come home from war, I tip toed around all the red flags that were going on. I didn't want to rock the boat. He went through so much with deployment that I didn't want to make things hard at home. He was raging....raging bad! He would forget things he shouldn't forget, and he was SOOOO angry. Well when the cheating happened that was it. I asked him why he did it, and he said, "I'm not the man I used to be and I don't know how to get back there again." I looked within myself and thought if he was a drug addict would I support him through rehab? Yes. If he was an alcoholic would I support him through recovery? Yes. So if he cheated could I stand by him until he got better? I did. He went straight to a psychiatrist, and got help. We went to counseling....we got through it.

We got through it until shit hit the fan most recently. Something had been off for a while, and I look back and promised myself that I wouldn't tip toe around him EVER again. But I did. He came in one night just totally different. He ended up sitting on the edge of our bed, and broke down sobbing...not just crying, but a grown man sobbing so hard tears were running down my arm. He said he's done sooooo many bad things in life, so many awful things to me, and wishes he could take it away. He was so sorry. Alarms started going off in my head, and intuition was screaming. The next day I found him talking to females on the computer again...none that he had done anything with, but it turned into WWIII. The end of the argument really became the beginning. He looked at me and asked me if I was still in love with him? Do I still get "that" feeling when we kiss? Yes, yes I did! And he said, "Well I don't. I love you, but I'm not IN love with you anymore." I have never been more crushed in my life.

And this is where we are today. We have come to terms with our situation. He feels lost. He knows he loves me, he wants me in his life, he still has feelings for me, and he is working on falling "in love" with me. The problem is he is incredibly sick. You see as my mom says, "We've been white-knuckling it through life for a while. On the surface everything is copacetic, but underneath is a chaotic mess. My husband is dealing with PTSD. PTSD so bad he's lost. So bad there are days where I have to ask if he would tell me if he needed "help"...that if he ever felt like hurting himself he would let me know. If you knew my husband you would know that is not something I ask lightly. We've reached a very dark place, and we've got 2 kiddos to protect through it.

The goal of this blog is an outlet for me, but from what I've experienced I feel like there are a lot of women out there like me, with a husband who is home from war and is suffering from PTSD, but are not sure that is what it is. Someone like me who is suffering from their own spousal PTSD (I feel like I have PTSD because of worrying every day for 15 months whether my husband was going to live or die.) Someone like me who is so broken and alone inside, who could benefit from knowing there is someone else out there just like them.

So I am not just a wife of a veteran with PTSD...I am a wife who is dealing with that, all while being a mom, working full time, trying to be a supportive wife, and suffering from her own PTSD. I am a wife who stood by a man who has cheated on me, stood by a man who is incredible broken inside, standing by a man who is not "in love" with me in the hopes that one day he will be. If there is anyone out there who is just like me....I am here for you, and my therapy is hoping you are out there for me. For now these are my stories. In all that I have done...I have done it with love and sacrifice.

Stephanie