Today I feel incredibly broken. Broken and alone, which is fairly difficult when you think of the definition of alone. I am surrounded by my kids and my husband, but I feel so alone. It's hard to find another person in my shoes, and I thank and appreciate those who have been there for me, but it's not the same. I am the wife of an Iraq veteran, a veteran who is suffering from PTSD, and we are in our early 30's. Sounds like I should have a ton of people to find who are in the same boat as me, but here is where it gets complicated. The road that my husband and I have been on in the last 6 years has been an incredibly bumpy one. In the words of one therapist we saw, "We've been through more in 6 years, than most married couples go through in 50 years, and even then they might not ever experience what you have."
You see, I decided to start this blog because I felt like I have no other outlet. I would call a girlfriend, or my mom, or sister, but I don't want to explain to them everything that is going on because it's just going to open that wound and I'm going to end up crying for hours, and to be honest I am just TOO DAMN TIRED to do that! I started this blog almost 4 years after my husband and I hit our "first" rock bottom. He was home from Iraq for about 2 years...our 9 month old when he came home was now 3, and I was pregnant with our 2nd. I came home one day and found a Facebook page opened on our computer that I didn't recognize. To make a LONG story short I found out he cheated on me with 2 other women. I thought to myself I do not know this man! I waited for this man for 15 months for him to do THIS to ME!!! I am pregnant with our 2nd kid! How could he?
Like most wives do when their spouses come home from war, I tip toed around all the red flags that were going on. I didn't want to rock the boat. He went through so much with deployment that I didn't want to make things hard at home. He was raging....raging bad! He would forget things he shouldn't forget, and he was SOOOO angry. Well when the cheating happened that was it. I asked him why he did it, and he said, "I'm not the man I used to be and I don't know how to get back there again." I looked within myself and thought if he was a drug addict would I support him through rehab? Yes. If he was an alcoholic would I support him through recovery? Yes. So if he cheated could I stand by him until he got better? I did. He went straight to a psychiatrist, and got help. We went to counseling....we got through it.
We got through it until shit hit the fan most recently. Something had been off for a while, and I look back and promised myself that I wouldn't tip toe around him EVER again. But I did. He came in one night just totally different. He ended up sitting on the edge of our bed, and broke down sobbing...not just crying, but a grown man sobbing so hard tears were running down my arm. He said he's done sooooo many bad things in life, so many awful things to me, and wishes he could take it away. He was so sorry. Alarms started going off in my head, and intuition was screaming. The next day I found him talking to females on the computer again...none that he had done anything with, but it turned into WWIII. The end of the argument really became the beginning. He looked at me and asked me if I was still in love with him? Do I still get "that" feeling when we kiss? Yes, yes I did! And he said, "Well I don't. I love you, but I'm not IN love with you anymore." I have never been more crushed in my life.
And this is where we are today. We have come to terms with our situation. He feels lost. He knows he loves me, he wants me in his life, he still has feelings for me, and he is working on falling "in love" with me. The problem is he is incredibly sick. You see as my mom says, "We've been white-knuckling it through life for a while. On the surface everything is copacetic, but underneath is a chaotic mess. My husband is dealing with PTSD. PTSD so bad he's lost. So bad there are days where I have to ask if he would tell me if he needed "help"...that if he ever felt like hurting himself he would let me know. If you knew my husband you would know that is not something I ask lightly. We've reached a very dark place, and we've got 2 kiddos to protect through it.
The goal of this blog is an outlet for me, but from what I've experienced I feel like there are a lot of women out there like me, with a husband who is home from war and is suffering from PTSD, but are not sure that is what it is. Someone like me who is suffering from their own spousal PTSD (I feel like I have PTSD because of worrying every day for 15 months whether my husband was going to live or die.) Someone like me who is so broken and alone inside, who could benefit from knowing there is someone else out there just like them.
So I am not just a wife of a veteran with PTSD...I am a wife who is dealing with that, all while being a mom, working full time, trying to be a supportive wife, and suffering from her own PTSD. I am a wife who stood by a man who has cheated on me, stood by a man who is incredible broken inside, standing by a man who is not "in love" with me in the hopes that one day he will be. If there is anyone out there who is just like me....I am here for you, and my therapy is hoping you are out there for me. For now these are my stories. In all that I have done...I have done it with love and sacrifice.
Stephanie
