Funny Story and New Outlook

Yesterday I received a message on Facebook about that fact that I hadn't updated my blog since August. I thought it was one of my "battle buddy" wives (yes we have those on the spouses side...well at least I decided that's the name for us), but it happened to be one of her friends asking HER about HER blog on a message to multiple people...hahaha. What do I really think? God works in mysterious ways. I have known I needed to update my blog for a while because it's something I promised to do for myself, but hadn't gotten to it. Soooooo here we go.

Things have been difficult to say the least; rough, sucky, awful, excruciating, and down right fucking bad. No one tells you that divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. No one tells you it's like mourning a death. No one tells you that it's a roller coaster....that one day you can feel really good, and the next it feels like your legs have been cut off at the knees and the breath has been knocked out of you. I am here to tell you it is all of these things. Would I trade all of it to be married again as if nothing happened between us? The answer to that is HELL TO THE FUCKING NO! And THAT'S what matters.

It's been hard...and it's been tough, but what I have come to realize is that is all I have been focusing on. I was having dinner with a friend and was asked how things are going and what do I need to talk about. (Mind you I have been asked this over and over, and the answer is always the same....it's hard.) But, as I was starting to speak about the latest developments it was like a lightbulb went off. I saw the light. I keep speaking about all of the bad, and all of the awful because lets just be honest there is A LOT of it, but is that how I want to define my life every time someone asks me how I am doing? I had and have given Anthony so much power even to the extent that to this day (almost a year later) he can still affect my day to day. I refuse to be defined by that. I refuse to allow him to take any more from me. I got out because I respected myself more than I loved him, so why would I choose to focus on the bad. That in itself was the best thing I have ever done for me.

My mom and I have talked about giving ourselves permission. Giving ourselves permission to say no I can't do that, to isolate for a small amount of time, or to say uncle when we just can't do it anymore. I am here to tell you that this is the hardest thing I have had to learn to do. By human nature we try to make everyone else happy, and focus on others needs, but what about our own? It's awkward to be selfish. I have learned to do this in certain parts of my life, but not all. I haven't given myself permission to really love myself...to really focus on the good that has come out of this. I have allowed myself to wallow instead, which is not a healthy permission. So as of 2 days ago I gave myself permission to only focus on the good. It's hard not to slip back into focusing on the bad, but that's what self talk is all about. So please if you see me or if you follow me on Facebook ask me about the good in my day. Hold me accountable. That will be the best gift you could ever give me! So...here was a little good from yesterday....soooooo worth it!

A New Day!

I am here being open and honest. This blog isn't for anyone else but me, but I think to share my experience, to tell it, will help me heal. I have been told I am good at hiding, good at putting on a front. It is my coping mechanism. I am not very emotional and don't talk much of my emotions not because I don't want to or can't its because I won't. If I do I risk the possibility of never being able to stop blubbering, and right now I can't afford that mess.

Today is a new day. For some it is a new day to dream, a new day for endless possibilities, but today is just a new day to force myself to get out of my bed in the morning. In the last few weeks it has taken every ounce of me to wake up, get out of bed, and just get in the shower. When I say every ounce of me I mean down to the last atom my body is made up of.

A few updates...I started this blog as an outlet, but failed to deliver on it, so here I am now. My husband and I went through a legal separation. It was the hardest and best thing I had to do, but today I am stronger than I was back then. I have gained me back, the me I hadn't seen in years. That sounds all fine and good right? It is, but no one prepares you for divorce or separation. No one tells you it's a roller coaster ride, and you better hold on for dear fucking life because it is going to get worse before it ever starts to get better. We have all seen this saying to some degree or another, "God never gives you more than you can handle, so God must think I'm a bad ass." Well I don't want to be badass. Right now I just want a break. I want peace in all of this. I know it's coming, but it's just not here yet. I have my good days. Some really good days, but in the past few weeks they have been bad. I have no idea why. I wish I could tell people what I need to get out of it. Wish I could tell them how to help me, but the answer is something I don't have.

The reason I decided to do this again was because as of late I have been innately aware of my surroundings. Innately aware of God, and where he is trying to lead me. Yesterday my mom, who has been my saving grace in all of this and who has been doing anything and everything to help me get through this at the expense of sleep, her emotions, worry, and love, told me about a girl she works with. She said this woman and I both had to be married to the same man. This woman has been to hell and back, and for some reason continues to ask about me. Well yesterday my mom told me this woman she works with is expecting my call...that she would love to talk whenever and for however long. You see it takes a lot for me to talk to anyone...again because that would mean that I have to tap into my emotions and it can get exhausting, so I told my mom okay with the thought that maybe I will call her and maybe I won't. Then about an hour later one of my life long friends who had also gone through something similar posted that life was finally. "Crazy Good." I thought man I can't wait until I feel like that again, and God was tapping on my brain you need to have a conversation with her. Finally, yesterday I had to meet with a networking partner and we sat down for lunch with the intent of talking business, but somehow the conversation led down a personal path and I discovered she too had been through what I have. What I discovered though was I finally realized that I don't have to go into deep past history and explain my entire life story to get what I needed from her: compassion, empathy, and most importantly complete understanding. I finally said, "Okay God...I get it...I need to talk to people. That is what you're trying to tell me so blatantly...I'll obey."

So today is a new day. A day where I choose to share. A day where I choose to continue to get out of bed even though it's the hardest thing I do daily. A day where I ask for a ton of prayers, and a day where I ask you to allow me to share.