Funny Story and New Outlook

Yesterday I received a message on Facebook about that fact that I hadn't updated my blog since August. I thought it was one of my "battle buddy" wives (yes we have those on the spouses side...well at least I decided that's the name for us), but it happened to be one of her friends asking HER about HER blog on a message to multiple people...hahaha. What do I really think? God works in mysterious ways. I have known I needed to update my blog for a while because it's something I promised to do for myself, but hadn't gotten to it. Soooooo here we go.

Things have been difficult to say the least; rough, sucky, awful, excruciating, and down right fucking bad. No one tells you that divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. No one tells you it's like mourning a death. No one tells you that it's a roller coaster....that one day you can feel really good, and the next it feels like your legs have been cut off at the knees and the breath has been knocked out of you. I am here to tell you it is all of these things. Would I trade all of it to be married again as if nothing happened between us? The answer to that is HELL TO THE FUCKING NO! And THAT'S what matters.

It's been hard...and it's been tough, but what I have come to realize is that is all I have been focusing on. I was having dinner with a friend and was asked how things are going and what do I need to talk about. (Mind you I have been asked this over and over, and the answer is always the same....it's hard.) But, as I was starting to speak about the latest developments it was like a lightbulb went off. I saw the light. I keep speaking about all of the bad, and all of the awful because lets just be honest there is A LOT of it, but is that how I want to define my life every time someone asks me how I am doing? I had and have given Anthony so much power even to the extent that to this day (almost a year later) he can still affect my day to day. I refuse to be defined by that. I refuse to allow him to take any more from me. I got out because I respected myself more than I loved him, so why would I choose to focus on the bad. That in itself was the best thing I have ever done for me.

My mom and I have talked about giving ourselves permission. Giving ourselves permission to say no I can't do that, to isolate for a small amount of time, or to say uncle when we just can't do it anymore. I am here to tell you that this is the hardest thing I have had to learn to do. By human nature we try to make everyone else happy, and focus on others needs, but what about our own? It's awkward to be selfish. I have learned to do this in certain parts of my life, but not all. I haven't given myself permission to really love myself...to really focus on the good that has come out of this. I have allowed myself to wallow instead, which is not a healthy permission. So as of 2 days ago I gave myself permission to only focus on the good. It's hard not to slip back into focusing on the bad, but that's what self talk is all about. So please if you see me or if you follow me on Facebook ask me about the good in my day. Hold me accountable. That will be the best gift you could ever give me! So...here was a little good from yesterday....soooooo worth it!